Greetings Friends,
This week, I’ve received a few questions about pronouns and pronoun etiquette. I’m grateful for the curiosity and honesty these questions represent, and I thought it might be helpful to reflect on them together here. After all, the first person to ask a question is rarely the only one wondering about it.
How do these ‘plural pronouns’ work?
Let’s start with a bit of background: using “they/them” to refer to a single person isn’t a
new invention — it dates back to the 14th century and appears in the works of writers like
Shakespeare and Jane Austen. It developed as a way to refer to someone whose gender was unknown or not specified. Chances are, you already use it in everyday speech without thinking much about it. Take for example the sentence: “Someone has lost their phone and they are looking for it, please let them know if you find it.” In this sentence, “someone” is singular, but we naturally use “they/them” because we don’t know the person’s gender. When someone lets you know that their pronouns are they/them, you can follow the same pattern: Delaney has lost their phone and they are looking for it, please let them know if you find it. It may take some practice, but it becomes second nature over time.
What should I do when I slip up and use the wrong pronouns?
Slip-ups happen — we’re all human. The best thing to do is gently correct yourself and
move on. Most people who use pronouns different from those assigned at birth understand that it takes time and are gracious toward those making a genuine effort. If you notice someone else using the wrong pronouns for someone, it can be helpful to gently offer a correction: “You may not know it, but Delaney uses they/them pronouns, not she/her pronouns.” Additionally, try to avoid turning the moment into a confession or an apology directed at the person whose pronouns were misused. Statements like, “Sorry, I just find this so hard,” often unintentionally make the person feel like their identity is the problem. A better approach is to stay curious, compassionate, and committed. After all, if we can remember names, birthdays, favorite hymns, or hometown teams, we can learn pronouns too.
Why does this pronoun thing matter?
Because people matter and honoring someone’s pronouns is one way we affirm their
dignity as a beloved child of God. Our church has made a covenant to welcome people of all sexual orientations, gender identities, and gender expressions into the body of Christ.
Understanding and using someone’s pronouns is part of that welcome. It’s about more than
language; it’s about seeing and honoring each other fully. Think of it this way: if someone named James says, “Please call me Jim,” it would be unkind and disrespectful to insist on calling him James. The same principle applies to pronouns. We honor one another not because we always understand every experience, but because we are called to love and uphold each other as bearers of God’s image. Even when something feels new or unfamiliar, we can trust the Spirit to lead us in love.
We’re all learning and growing together, and I hope this reflection feels more like a conversation than a lecture. My prayer is that it helps us live more fully into our covenants and closer to the heart of our ever-expanding, ever-loving God. As always, if you have questions about this or anything else related to our Open and Affirming covenant, I’m here. Curiosity and humility are sacred tools on the journey of faith, and they draw us closer to God and to each other.
In grace and love,
Delaney (they/them)